-John Kenneth GalbraithQuote:
More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.
Yeah? Tell that to someone who lives on our salaries. We're so broke, the
bum down the street gives us change.
Thank the Grease God for 99-cent menus or we'd be as translucent as Calvin
But, if there's one thing to be learned on our journey through
PovertyVille, there is free food to be found. It ain't always pretty, but
neither is Spam and look how far that's come. Help is finally here in the
quest to scam free sustenance, but first you have to eat a healthy appetizer of pride.
Some of these methods are - how to put it? - demeaning and dehumanizing.
A small price to pay for not paying a price. You can wail about how pathetic
you are - on a full stomach.
There are plenty of soup kitchens and food banks around, andthey don't usually turn people away. Granted, you'll be stealing food fromthe truly needy and will thus surely rot in hell, but with any luck that'll happen waaaaay after dinner.
Rig Your Dish:
A bit underhanded.
Some people will tell you dead bugs or broken glass is the way to go,
and who's to argue? One particularly innovative chap used to slip
unwrapped condoms into his mostlv-eaten burgers. Now that's chutzpah:
Befriend people with it. Y-e-s, these people are going through
their own private hell, and they do suffer from a serious disorder. But they
also seem to enjoy watching other people eat. So you'd be helping 'em out.
Kinda. Sorta. (Note: This suggestion is also likely to ensure you a hot
seat in hell.)
Wine and cheese, anyone?
Yes, thank you. (You don't go for the ridiculously priced "art;' do
Hel-lo! This is Florida, duh: You can't swing a dead fruit fly
without hitting an orange tree. Start collecting the citrus in every yard
you come across and say goodbye to colds.
These days it's hard to find a bar that doesn't foist
artery-busting appetizers on you during happy hour.
Buy a single drink and chow down or, if you're truly smooth, grab the
first empty glass you see to affect a "paying customer" look.
Ever notice how the Fonz always shows up at the Cunningham's
right at dinnertime? Most people eat dinner around 6 p.m., and even if
you're the last person they want to see at that moment, chances are
they're not savvy enough to turn you away gracefully.
Under the "Absolutely Desperate" category: Start by getting to
know the habits of your favorite restaurants. The goal is to nab a sack of
food immediately after it's been dumped. Wait too long to indulge in
Dumpster delicacies and your next meal could come from the local Hospital
Everyone loves grocery stores; especially all the latest
foodstuffs you can sample while there. Grocery chains are good for quantity,
but seek out specialty markets and vegetarian stores if you're looking for
quality. Note: Delis will let you sample a slice of pretty much anything in
the case. Hint hint.
Plenty of people have it, so feel free to capitalize on it.
Order a pizza at 8 p.m. on a Friday, with plenty of explicit instructions:
pepperoni on one half, sausage and onions on half the remaining half,
pineapple on two slices and extra sauce on the whole thing. In the grand
tradition of pizza joints, when your pie arrives, we guarantee it'll be all
screwed up. Pitch a fit, Consume free pizza.
Wedding receptions and bar mitzvahs. To ensure your
place in the chow line, befriend the guest of honor's distant relatives,
who're also just there for the food.
Don't you hate coworkers who take up all the fridge space with
their leftovers? Don't you think it's your responsibility to teach them a
lesson by eating their lovingly prepared lunch? You even get some free Tupperware out of the deal.